Dad asking a very sleepy/grumpy Wilson if he would like some coffee... Wilson replies, "I'm already bitter..."

In reference to Science:
"I really want there to be mystery. It adds excitement to an otherwise dull life..."

"I have a theory... Grumpy Cat and Garfield are cousins..."

"Girls were created to be beautiful... They do not need external modifications..."

Improper grammar is comedic gold...

"mommmm... I understand that there is give and take in conversations... But quite frankly... I like to hear myself talk..."

"for every molecule of gravy you add to something... It becomes 50 percent tastier..."